April Fools Blues

To whoever bleached my royal Araucana blue eggs:

This is the sound of me not laughing.

Happy April Fools? Is this your idea of a funny joke? Well you can haha for now but you’ll be boo-hooing later. When I find out who you are, you’ll wish you never messed with this hen. I take my blue eggs serious-side-up. Just like my Chilean great grandmother, my beloved bisabuelita, told me: When your eggs are white, something isn’t right.

Was it you Britney? Little Miss “The world doesn’t understand my art?” The next time you try to creatively express yourself brooding emotions onto my eggs, your pebbles for eggs will be so white you won’t even be able see them.

On second thought, Christina is always trying to out-blue me to no avail. I know you’re just jealous that you’re eggs’ blue looks like drain water compared to mine—the infinite blue of Earth’s sky, hovering over the beloved lands from Northern Ireland to Chile. Better watch out prissy Chrissy, you’re eggs are going to turn ghastly green from envy.

Then again, Henrietta, you have the perfect cover to do a little mischief. The unassuming follower, eager to please. Always clucking up to me, “Yes, Beata, of course! Look at that tail feather Beata—have you been working out? I wish my eggs could be as blue as your, Oh Queen.” To answer your question Henrietta, Yes. Oh yes, I have been working out and you very well will feel the effects soon.

Another thing my bisabuelita told me: Never trust a guy in a suit. Especially if he’s a charmer. Well here’s looking at you, bossman. You think you’re so funny, so clever, Mister Saint King of Fools himself. You really want to mess with my eggs? My eggs, remember. The only relationship you should be “nesting” in this community right now soon is me. You want eggs? There’s a Centra right over there.

But wait.

The sky unfolds. I see it clearly now. You’re all in it together.

Christina and Kerry grinning in cahoots with James, Julie, Jacqui and Jayne—Legal Island’s own court jesters. The Peters have been snickering with Brittney while Heather has been hee-heeing with Phyllis and the foxes. I know my old farmer from Ballymena still visits Mr. Barry from time to time. Sly Scott and dangerous Donna—I should have known this is what you’re really like. What were you doing chatting with the school kids yesterday, Vanessa and Debbi? Helping them prepare for Easter with my eggs? Allison and Ainsley have been giving me odd looks for weeks—I thought they were just always confused at something, but I guess they just couldn’t play it completely cool. Henrietta always played the sympathy card with Pamela and Arnold. And Shannon? Lovely Shannon…I thought you were on my side but I guess not. You know where they keep the bleach.

I can hear you laughing now but it won’t be for long. I’m sure you already think of me as Queen of Clever and Beata: the Brain and Beauty, but you have never known this side of me. I—the one and only Dastardly Diva—will avenge my blue eggs. Beware the cluck in the night.